“You’re forgiven, but don’t do it again!” Direct partner regulation buffers the costs of forgiveness

Although forgiveness can have numerous benefits, it can also have a notable cost—forgiveness can allow transgressors to continue behaving in ways that can be hurtful (McNulty, 2010, 2011). Accordingly, two studies tested the prediction that the implications of forgiveness for whether the partner transgresses or fails to behave benevolently depend on whether forgivers regulate partners away from future transgressions and toward benevolent behaviors. Study 1 was an experimental study of emerging adult couples in which participants were (a) asked to report their partners’ tendencies to engage in partner-regulation behaviors, (b) led to believe their partners were either forgiving or unforgiving, and (c) given the opportunity to transgress against their partners. Study 2 was a longitudinal study of newlywed couples in which participants were (a) asked to report their tendencies to forgive their partners, (b) observed during problem-solving discussions, and then (c) asked to report their satisfaction with their partners’ considerateness every 6 months for 4 years. Both studies provided evidence that direct oppositional partner-regulation behaviors moderate the implications of forgiveness for partner behavior. Among intimates who demanded more change, forgiveness was associated with the partner transgressing less (Study 1) and compromising more (Study 2), as well as participants being more satisfied with their partners’ considerateness over time (Study 2); among intimates who demanded less change, forgiveness was associated with these outcomes in the opposite direction. These findings suggest that supplementing forgiveness with partner-regulation behaviors can help nondistressed couples avoid the undesirable outcomes and maximize desirable outcomes associated with forgiveness